Ma Coeur.

Beginning last week, I fell into an inner battle between my flesh and my heart and my God. I've never really experienced homesickness in such a raw way as I felt when I was helplessly waiting for news about my dad's heart procedure in Birmingham last week. He is now doing well, just now has two splints in the arteries surrounding his heart, thanks to a God who has blessed men and women with the ability to recognize such medical disabilities, but I felt very shaken and disturbed at my inadequacy to fix the situation.

I feel like hearts have been a big focus of my year. Both of my grandparents suffered earlier in the year with heart problems, and now my dad? This muscle has physically and emotionally governed a large part of my year and I posted this on my livejournal in February: "it's interesting and coincidental that all of these health issues have arisen in conjunction with what i have been learning about your heart as a tabernacle for the Lord. i have also been learning a lot about God's provision and being able to trust completely in his plan.

During my time up here I have become more and more aware of the state of my own heart.
This paragraph really stuck out to me as I was reading in Faithful Women and their Extraordinary God:

"As Helen Roseveare stood by our fireplace and looked into their faces, she reached backward toward the mantel and eased a long-stemmed red rosebud from a tall vase. As she spoke, she broke off the thorns, the leaves, the petals, the green outer layer of stem- every element that makes a rose a rose. All that was left was a lithe, straight shaft. The pieces that lay on the floor were not bad things. But, she explained, they had had to be removed if she were going to make an arrow. God does this to us, she said. He removes everything- even innocent good things- that hinders us from being the arrows that he will shoot for his purposes at his intended target."

I was really moved by this image of being completely stripped of everything in order to become more like Christ. The loneliness, complacency, and dullness that have governed my heart the past week are merely my physical and fleshly response to what God is trying to accomplish in my life. I, being dumb and sinful and silly, have been responded in the exact opposite way of how I should be (but, that's why I'm not God, right?!)

I have been stripped of my comforts of home, my group of friends, my ever-present accountability from my parents, (for the past two weeks my internet), my busy schedule and all of the things that so often make me complacent in Tuscaloosa and Birmingham in order that God will use my extra time to spend it with Him, to prepare for Bible studies, to reach out to different ministry groups at Life Community and to invest in what he has given me here. And in order to do this in a manner that most glorifies God, my heart must become focused on His holiness. There is a necessity of judgement of sin because God is holy, and as Christians we must be gripped by this and hunger and thirst after righteousness so that we might mirror His holiness to the world. (Thanks, Noel Piper, for hitting me on the head with God's truth... gee)

"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ.
Indeed, I count everything as loss because of
the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.
for His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and
count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ
and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own
that comes from the law, but that which comes
through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that
depends on faith- that I may know him and the power of
His resurrection, and may share in His sufferings
becoming like Him in his death, that by any means possible
I may attain the resurrection from the dead."
Phillippians 3: 7-11

Jehovah- Jireh, God always provides.

Praise that He doesn't leave us to wander alone.
-I found encouragement in the form of a Skype call with Rachael on Wednesday. Landon and I got to video-chat with Ethan and Rachael (who are serving in Cape town South Africa this summer -you should check our her blog http://lovelaughandpaint.blogspot.com/ ) God definitely used my time talking and sharing and opening up with her to reveal His love and faithfulness to us in all circumstances. wow.
-I also had the privilege of seeing my dear friend Megan yesterday. Megan was studying abroad in Ireland this spring so I hadn't seen her since JANUARY. ridiculous. She drove up from Hunstville and we had lunch, toured Nolens-vegas, drank Sonic drinks and went antiquing and browsing at the Amish Feed Mill in downtown Nolensville (we discovered that it isn't actually run by Amish... lies)
- and along with moments with old friends, I had the chance to go hang out with some new friends from the Women's Ministry last night for dinner and game night. Though I was the youngest there and the (decently awkward) church employee/intern, these women opened up their hearts and showered me in their love. I got to make some connections for some women who wanted their children to have a place to belong at church, but also to be apart of women loving on each other and becoming the Body of Christ visibly. Ah, it was such sweet time. Also, we played Guesstures so that was awesome as well.

All this thinking about hearts has me singing some John Mayer, so I'll leave you with this:

Pain throws your heart to the ground,
Love turns the whole thing around,
No it won't all go away, it should
But I know the heart of life is good.

Friends, I'm praying that the cry of your hearts turns to "Christ, only Christ, no trace of I be found."

grace and peace.